We’re all pretty hard on ourselves when it comes to our weight. I’m pretty sure it comes with the territory of being a woman. So when someone else decides to comment on it, and put you down for it? That’s when it becomes heartbreaking. Especially coming from someone who you thought loved you.
For the past few months, I’ve had to deal with that pain. I’ve had to listen to someone tell me that I need to lose weight. That I need to be a certain number on the scale to be a part of their life. That I need to be their size, or smaller, to look normal with them. That I need to lose weight like some girl they work with – she lost weight over the summer and looks incredible, so why haven’t I? I need to make a schedule and work out those days. They are embarrassed to take me places. Yes, all of those things have been said to me, plus more, numerous, numerous, times.
This person claims it’s only because they care and want me to be healthy.
I’m not stupid. I don’t believe them.
And all of this has really made me hate myself and my body even more. It has made me gain even more weight. Because really – who loses weight when someone they love is hounding them, and bullying them? No one. It makes them feel terrible, and want to eat more. It makes them do the very thing that made them fat in the first place – eat their feelings.
This blog is not a only a weight loss blog, but a place for me to heal. A place for me to find myself, to find inner peace….to find my inner butterfly. I don’t believe that can happen when someone like this is present in my life. But how can I shut them out of my life? This person has been a constant in my life for more than three years. This person has been the only person who I’ve done things with – I’ve spent about 95% of my time with this person for 3 long years. All of my friends are married, have families, etc. What happens when I let go?
I will be alone. Completely alone. With no one to go out with on the weekends. No one to talk to. How can I meet other people when I have friends who have their own lives, and their own priorities?
How do I let go? How do I move on? All I know is I don’t want to be in this place anymore. I want to change my life, and move it in a positive direction. I feel stuck. That no matter what I do, I will be miserable.
And this is where I’m at….right this moment.