I've gone back and forth about whether or not I really wanted to publish a post like this. But things don't seem to be getting any better, so it's time to fess up and come clean.
I've stopped blogging recently. A couple reasons for that - obviously, the new job. But the other reason, I'm not too proud of. I've gained more weight. I've been hovering between 162 and 165 for the past several weeks.
Initially, I didn't know why. Although I stopped going to the gym, I didn't think I was eating that terribly. But I was wrong.
It's embarrassing coming here and having to admit that, after meeting my goal of running my first 5K, and having so much momentum in the beginning of 2013, I am now way worse off than where I started. I've gained a good 15 pounds since the beginning of the year - a little more than that. I was so happy to finally be in the 140s, a place I find so hard to get to, but I didn't stay there long.
A little treat here, a little treat there. I had vowed not to have such an unhealthy eating style, and didn't want to deprive myself - but I ended being way too lenient with myself and ended up where I am today, in the 160s.
My highest. Weight. Ever.
Not only has this weight thing completely brought my self esteem down, but it has seemed to bring my age up. I mentioned I got a new job, and just last week, one of my new co-workers was asking me questions, trying to get to know me a little better. She asked me when I graduated high school, because she thought I looked around the same age as her.
Ummm, she is 40. I'm not even 30 yet. WTF??!! Obviously that was an awkward moment. I just wanted to run away and cry. I know that part of the reason I look older is because I'm so overweight and unhealthy.
I started this blog to document my weight loss, and also to document my journey to "finding myself", and I feel like a big fat failure. I know people like to read blogs for inspiration, and I certainly have not been an inspiration for the year (or a little more than a year) that I've had this blog. I know I've lost quite a lot of readers, partly because of this, and also partly because I just kind of fizzled out and stopped blogging. In other words, I didn't want to keep coming back here to talk about how I fell off the wagon again - after only a few days.
Everyone says that there is a moment when everything "clicks." Maybe I haven't had that moment yet. Maybe I never will, and it's not necessarily true. All I know is that I really want to lose this weight. More than anything. But I haven't been willing to make the changes necessary to lose that weight.
Thanks to anyone who has stuck around (if there's anyone out there). I've made a promise to myself that I will continue to blog, good and bad. But now I probably won't only focus on weight loss. I know my blog is weight-loss centered - that won't change - but there is definitely more to me than just weight loss, so expect some posts from me that are not about weight loss.
I was contemplating on changing the name of my blog, but decided against it. I'd like to keep this blog name - it's been a part of me for more than a year, so I don't want to change that.
Again, if there's anyone out there, thanks for sticking around. You'll be glad you did, I promise!