Monday, November 11, 2013

This Is Me, Right Now

I've gone back and forth about whether or not I really wanted to publish a post like this.  But things don't seem to be getting any better, so it's time to fess up and come clean.

I've stopped blogging recently.  A couple reasons for that - obviously, the new job.  But the other reason, I'm not too proud of.  I've gained more weight.  I've been hovering between 162 and 165 for the past several weeks.

Initially, I didn't know why.  Although I stopped going to the gym, I didn't think I was eating that terribly.  But I was wrong.

It's embarrassing coming here and having to admit that, after meeting my goal of running my first 5K, and having so much momentum in the beginning of 2013, I am now way worse off than where I started.  I've gained a good 15 pounds since the beginning of the year - a little more than that.  I was so happy to finally be in the 140s, a place I find so hard to get to, but I didn't stay there long.

A little treat here, a little treat there.  I had vowed not to have such an unhealthy eating style, and didn't want to deprive myself - but I ended being way too lenient with myself and ended up where I am today, in the 160s.

My highest. Weight. Ever.

Not only has this weight thing completely brought my self esteem down, but it has seemed to bring my age up.  I mentioned I got a new job, and just last week, one of my new co-workers was asking me questions, trying to get to know me a little better.  She asked me when I graduated high school, because she thought I looked around the same age as her.

Ummm, she is 40.  I'm not even 30 yet.  WTF??!!  Obviously that was an awkward moment.  I just wanted to run away and cry.  I know that part of the reason I look older is because I'm so overweight and unhealthy.


I started this blog to document my weight loss, and also to document my journey to "finding myself", and I feel like a big fat failure.  I know people like to read blogs for inspiration, and I certainly have not been an inspiration for the year (or a little more than a year) that I've had this blog.  I know I've lost quite a lot of readers, partly because of this, and also partly because I just kind of fizzled out and stopped blogging.  In other words, I didn't want to keep coming back here to talk about how I fell off the wagon again - after only a few days.

Everyone says that there is a moment when everything "clicks."  Maybe I haven't had that moment yet.  Maybe I never will, and it's not necessarily true.  All I know is that I really want to lose this weight.  More than anything.  But I haven't been willing to make the changes necessary to lose that weight.

Thanks to anyone who has stuck around (if there's anyone out there).  I've made a promise to myself that I will continue to blog, good and bad.  But now I probably won't only focus on weight loss.  I know my blog is weight-loss centered - that won't change - but there is definitely more to me than just weight loss, so expect some posts from me that are not about weight loss.

I was contemplating on changing the name of my blog, but decided against it.  I'd like to keep this blog name - it's been a part of me for more than a year, so I don't want to change that.

Again, if there's anyone out there, thanks for sticking around.  You'll be glad you did, I promise!


  1. you say your not an inspiration but you are to some people simply because you are being honest and SO many people feel like they cant be honest about "falling off the wagon" when it is a reality that pretty much everyone faces at some point - even if it isnt in regards to weight.
    Im happy to see you sticking with it though (blogging and to keep trying), I mean dont give up on yourself! A journey to a goal can SUCK thats for sure.... but reaching the goal is amazing, and even seeing progress. hang in there girl, you can do it :) i think being honest (with yourself, and on here even!) is really important and will help. it has for me, in a lot of aspects of my life. Trust me, ive been on the denial and procrastination train before, honesty is better.

  2. don't give up! I am a fellow Minnesotan, and I understand getting in a slump. It is getting cold, and exercising outside (exercising any where) takes dedication. My diet choices have sucked lately as well, but we can do this! You are an inspiration..don't forget that!

  3. Heather, I understand that it is difficult to keep up with the daily battles of life, remember that you are cherished and loved despite weight and physical activity. It is great that you are acknowledging the struggle of truly "being a woman" in the battle of comparison.
    Keep up with positivity and admiring yourself, no matter the number on a scale (:

  4. Keep up the good work! and stay positive :) I have recently lost quite a bit of weight as well and was searching for a skin tightening
    treatment when I came across your blog! Anyway, like I said...keep it up :)