Monday, October 20, 2014

Moving Forward – Part 5

Monday Cartoon 10-20

It’s Monday!  Today wasn’t as bad as your “typical” Monday (and thank God it wasn’t “the world’s longest Monday”, ha!).  I was pretty tired, which is to be expected, but the day went by mighty fast.  And ending the day with Garfield is never a bad thing.

It’s finally time for the final part of my moving forward series.  Today I’m talking about the scale. 

No Scale

There will be no scale.  I’m not sharing the number I saw tonight, and the scale has gone in the closet.

Need proof?

Hide the scale

Right next to the toilet paper, because it can kiss my ass!!

I’m not sure when I’ll be taking it out again.  Maybe a month, maybe a couple months, maybe never.  it may not be the most interesting for a weight loss blogger to not track her weight.  People want results.  They want numbers.  But you know what?  People won’t get what they want if I have weekly weigh-ins, because there won’t be any progress.  And I’ll end up giving up, and I’ll end up not blogging again.  I don’t want that.

After I took a look at my past posts, I found that even when I was being really consistent with my workouts, it didn’t always show on the scale.  Eventually that led to my downfall, and I quit.  Because who wants to keep doing what they’re doing when there are absolutely no results on the scale?

I’m done worrying about that number.  Instead, I’ll be tracking my measurements (coming tomorrow), and taking progress pictures every 30 days.  It may not be that number on the scale, but I think it’s still something a reader of a weight loss blog would want to see.

So there you have it.  The end of my series, and the beginning of my new (and final) journey.  It will be a work in progress – everything always is. 

Let’s get started!!

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Thursday, October 16, 2014

Moving Forward – Part 4

Today I’m moving on to part 4 of my “Moving Forward” series, or this thing will never get done…ha!

I’ll be honest in that I’ve been avoiding this part, because I don’t know what in the actual f*ck I’m supposed to be doing when it comes to my eating.  Of course the cliché thing to say would be to “do what’s best for ME”…..well, um….I don’t know what’s best for me.  That’s the point.  I just don’t know if I can ever be that clean eater, or that flexible dieter, or that everything in moderation girl….the list goes on.  I have no idea what’s best for me, because the 6543543554351 things I’ve tried (but not really tried) have not worked.  That’s why I’m here.  That’s why I’m in the place I’m in right now, being my highest weight ever.

So, to be honest with you, I don’t really have a plan when it comes to eating.  I’m going to take it one day at a time.  For now, I’ll be making a plan for the week of what my meals will be.  Some will be healthy, some not-so-healthy, but for now…..I want to try to stick to a weekly plan.  Every week, I’m going to be posting my food and exercise “diary” to the blog.  I’m thinking Sundays would be a good day to do that.  I know that no one reads blogs on Sundays, but that’s what’s going to work best for ME. 

Of course, I’m not always the most consistent, so I may be doing those posts on Mondays or Tuesdays… all depends on when I can get on the laptop to put an actual post together.  And when I post those plans, it will be after the fact.  So the week will have already passed, and I’ll be going over what I ate, what I did for exercise vs. what my plan actually was.  So more of a summary of how I did, rather than planning for the week ahead.

This is mostly to hold myself accountable.  I’m hoping that, with time, one baby step will lead to another….and I’ll eventually find “what’s best for me.”  In the meantime, I hope you’ll stick it out with me while I figure that out.  And let me tell you….it’s going to be a bumpy ride.  But a fun one.    ;)

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Tuesday, October 14, 2014

New Adventures

Okay, I’m taking a little break from my “Moving Forward” series today to talk about what I’ve been doing so far this week.  I have come up with a plan, and I’m really excited to share it….but part of it is coming later, in another post.

Yesterday I went back to the gym…probably the first time in about a month.  I mentioned a while back that I joined Lifetime Fitness….lots of money, but well worth it.  Well, um….if I go, that is.  I really need to put that money to use if I’m going to have such an expensive membership.

Anyway….so yesterday I tried out the Warrior Sculpt class.  It’s like a blend of yoga, traditional strength & cardio training.  Plus….the room is heated up to about 75-80 degrees.  And of course I forgot my water bottle.  Ugh.  As soon as i walked in the room I needed a drink – it was heated in there!  The beginning of the class was really relaxing.  I started to wonder if I was in the right class.

Oh boy, I sure was in the right class!  The pace quickened from there.  I had to make several adjustments to make things easier, and had to leave the room a few times for some water.  There was one part where I felt a little dizzy, so I had to just stand there and wait for it to pass.

But I loved it!!  I’ve never done anything like it before.  Yes, it was hard – and a little embarrassing, because everyone seemed to keep up really well – but it is something I really want to keep working at!

Tonight I’ll be starting the C25K plan (Yep!!! I’m running again…..more on that in another post!!), and then I’ll be doing a LifeBarre class.  I’m really excited about that one, especially since I have a background in dance.  I don’t expect it to be easy, by any means….but dance is something I really, really miss.  I’m glad to be adding that class!

Hope everyone is having a great Tuesday!!

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Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Moving Forward – Part 3

Happy hump day people!  Gosh, the weeks just fly by ever since I got a new job.  Which is great, but then not-so-great at the same time!    :)

I originally was only going to have two parts to this series, but I realized yesterday that I have way too much to say when it comes to each of my issues.  So that’s why I’m writing about each issue separately, rather than jamming it into one blog post.  Yesterday I talked about stress, and I’ve already done a little work on my goals.  Last night, I read for about a half hour before bed (Big Little Lies is what I chose to download to my iPad – I’m liking it so far), and then I found a guided meditation on YouTube to listen to before going to bed.  It was about 12 minutes long.  I’ll be honest – the window was open, so my cat kept going back and forth between rooms – I think he saw a squirrel or something.  So that was really distracting, and I didn’t relax as much as I should have.  I’ll keep trying though.  Then this morning as soon as I sat down at my desk, I headed over to the Laugh Factory web site and read a few jokes.  It did brighten my morning a little.

Okay – but now on to part 3, which is my consistency and self-esteem issues.  No, they’re not really the same thing, but I do think that they’re connected, and that one (self-esteem) causes issues with the other (consistency).

I’ve noticed that when I’m done with a plan or exercise program, I lose motivation.  But then I also notice that I can get bored easily.  So I need to find a happy medium – both long- and short-term goals.  I also need to better track things.  I tracked my measurements sporadically when I was going through my Couch to 5K program, and the Cathe Friedrich XTrain series.  It wasn’t consistent, and I didn’t have a set schedule of when I updated them.  Kind of goes along with my sporadic blogging, huh?  So in the next week, I’ll be coming up with some goals – long- and short-term – and start scheduling my “check-ins”. 

My self-esteem is something that I’m always working on it seems.  It also didn’t help that I was going through some pretty bad emotional abuse regarding my weight and my looks, and just the way I live my life in general.  I’ll be exploring different ways to implement positive self-talk with myself, especially in regards to weight loss, and being consistent.

That’s it for today!  The next topic is a big one for me – food, or diet.  This has always been an issue, and I can’t seem to find the right fit for myself when it comes to what I should eat to lose weight.  Exercise is the easier part – eating is a big problem, and it’s not going to be an easy fix. 

Hope everyone has a great night!

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Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Moving Forward – Part 2

Hello - hope everyone's day is going well!  It's Tuesday, and that means it's time for Part 2 of my "Moving Forward" series - or plan - whatever you want to call it.

Yesterday I kind of went through an overview of what my issues seem to be/have been for my weight loss.  Now it's time to put something in motion in order to move forward.  

Stress was #1 on my list.  I have been stressed, people!  This new job keeps me very very busy.  I'm not complaining - I hated that my last job was like watching paint dry, so this job is like a breath of fresh air.  The overtime pay is nice, too.  But I'm still stressed.  Especially when I have requests from clients coming from a million different directions, 20 voicemails to respond to, and over 300 emails when coming back to work on Mondays.  Oh, my Monday Garfield cartoons have a whole new meaning now.

Another huge stress factor in my life has been in the "romantic" relationship department.  This person is not my boyfriend anymore (as of a couple weeks ago) - so that's a start.  I don't want to get in to all the nitty gritty details, but let's just say, I know this is the number one reason I've put on weight the last year or so.  It not only has to do with the emotional and mental abuse, but there's a lot of "baggage" there.  It has been one thing after another.  One thing I will share so that you can kind of get the picture - immigration came to my apartment on Christmas eve morning to take him into detention (he is from Ecuador, and came here back in 2000).  Christmas eve morning.....can you imagine??  Long story short, his family was able to get the (very large) bond together to get him out, but now he is going through the actual deportation proceedings, which could take years

So....yeah.  I guess you could say I've been one big ball of stress.  And that only hits on one of the "baggage" issues.

So what am I going to do to minimize the stress in my life?

It starts with getting rid of that toxic relationship.  The process was started.  However, it's been started many times in the past, and I always ended up going back.  I felt bad leaving him when he was going through all his issues.  But this time, I need to remain strong.  Yes, it's going to be lonely.  Yes, we're both going to feel hurt for a while.  But this is best for both of us.  I can't take the verbal abuse, or the stress, anymore.  It has to end if I ever want to have a good life.

Work.....well, I'm not going to get another job.  Despite the stress, I love my job.  And the people here are awesome.  So that's out of the question.  So that leaves me with ways to deal with my stress.

Here's the plan of attack.  There are different ways to manage stress.  There are physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual ways to manage it.  For the next month, I'll be focusing on two things within each category.

Physical - Herbal stress relief (have some chamomile tea while taking a bath, at least 3 times/week), and at least one yoga class per week.

Emotional - Visit the laugh factory web site daily each morning (before I open my emails at work), and go to the movie theater every week.

Mental - Read a book (an actual book - not a self-help or weight loss book) for 30 minutes every night before bed, and blog daily - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Spiritual - Use guided meditation at least 5 minutes/day, begin going to church again (this is actually a more contemporary church near me - I'll explain in more detail later).

As the weeks go on, I'll explain everything more in detail.  I just wanted to get all of that in writing.

Tomorrow I'll be moving on to part 3 of my moving forward series.  I'll be talking about my consistency and self-esteem issues.  

Have a great night!

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Monday, October 6, 2014

Moving Forward - Part 1

The good old Monday tradition is back.    ;)

Okay, so now that I got that extremely negative post regarding my explanation out of the way - it's time to move forward, and look to the future.  Obviously there are issues, and it's time to face them.  
After I wrote that post on Friday, I spent my weekend going through each and every post on this blog, beginning with day 1.  And boy am I glad I have this blog to look back on events of my life, and my weight loss journey.  It helps me see things with 20/20 vision, so to speak, and I was able to clearly see what my issues were/are.  I have quite a few issues to work through if I want to lose weight.  

The first being stress.  Not only have my posts made me believe that stress is a factor, but I did a resting metabolic test at the gym, and the trainer told me I am very stressed, according to the test.  I would say this is due to work (this job has me working a lot of overtime, because there is just so much to do), and also my "romantic" relationship.  I put romantic in quotations, because it's anything but romantic.  It has been nothing but toxic since day 1, yet I continue to torture myself.

The second issue was, whenever I accomplished a goal, the change or start of a new one led me off-track - or maybe it was my self-esteem that made me stop short.  For example, one of my new years resolutions for 2013 was to complete an entire rotation of Xtrain, a new Cathe Friedrich workout program.  I did that, and when it ended, I struggled for a bit.  It wasn't long, though, because I made my 5K goal official on Facebook shortly after, and I continued to workout consistently.  I joined a new gym, where I got through the entire Cough to 5K program, and also found some classes I really, really enjoyed for my cross-training days.  Once I ran the 5K, I didn't really have a plan.  I took a week off, because I felt I "deserved" it, and that week led to months, and then to more than a year.  Clearly not having a plan didn't help.  But I also think that it was my self-esteem that led me to stop.  It wasn't enough to run a 5K or finish one program - I kept telling myself in my mind that there would be no way I could keep this up.  I never did, so why would that change?  I have a lot to work on to keep the consistency, and to increase the self-esteem.

Another issue is food.  Well, I already knew this.  But towards the beginning of 2013, I was working out quite a bit, and a lot more consistently than I had ever been.  But my food choices were not that great.  Sure, I did good during the week, but there's only so much bad food and alcohol your body can take when you're trying to lose weight.  At that time in my life, I had been going out quite a bit, and drinking was the norm on the weekends, followed by greasy foods to cure the hangovers.  No bueno.

That leads to my next issue: the scale.  I had been doing so good with exercising, but that didn't matter when I saw the number on the scale going UP, instead of down.  It was really really discouraging, and it was what ultimately led me to stop working out altogether.  Sure, I was seeing results when it came to tracking my measurements, but that darn number just has a hold over me.  Anyone would want to stop working out if they didn't see a change in that number. 
But the number on the scale wasn't just because of my eating habits.  It was a combination of the above issues that has led me to stop every single diet/exercise program I've been on.  

So now that I've identified my issues, down to the core, what am I going to do to change things going forward?  That's coming up in my next post....
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Friday, October 3, 2014

An Explanation

I have been writing up this blog post over and over for the past few weeks.  As I sit here, during another binge episode, I'm embarrassed.  Embarrassed that I've failed, yet again.  Who is this girl?  This girl who, just over a year ago, ran her first 5K, and made it through a Cathe Friedrich rotation, and was starting to be fit again?  

I am completely out of shape, and am at my all-time highest weight.............of my LIFE.

I almost feel like I shouldn't even have a blog.  Who the hell writes a weight loss blog and gains weight??  This girl.  Another thing that has kept me from blogging is that, well....I'm different.  I'm not a mom (like 99% of bloggers).  I'm not a wife (like 99% of bloggers).  And I don't own a beautiful home with a white picket fence (like 99% of bloggers).  I just don't fit in.  

So I'm asking myself....what made me ever think I could start a weight loss blog....and be one of the cool kids at the cool kids table?  Because I'm not.  And I don't have a fabulous life to share like everyone.  I'm not going on fabulous trips or have kids to take to millions of activities or mom dates or much of a social life to share (can't have much of a social life when all my friends live far away and are married with families of their own).  It's just little old me (and Ricky, of course), going to work, coming home, making a meal (if I don't go to JJ's or something), watching TV for 4 hours, and then going to bed.  Every.  Single.  Day.

And it's starting to get to me, to say the least.  Well, I should say it has been getting to me.

So what's a girl to do?  I don't think I'm ready to give up this space.  I think a part of me still has hope.  Hope that some day (soon, preferably), everything will just magically come together.  Or at least start to.  I wish I had a new plan to share, but I feel like every time I do that, I do it for a couple days, and then disappear from blogland for months.  I don't want that to happen anymore.

So really, all I can say is, I'm taking it one day at a time.  And I know, eventually, things will start falling in to place.

Thanks for sticking with me.  There is more to come.  I'm just not sure what that is yet.....

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